Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Dragon Horoscope

Again, I don’t believe in these things but someone sent it to me so here goes.

1st.  Get PEN and PAPER
2nd.  WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW

3rd.  GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!!  Very important for good results.
4th.  SCROLL DOWN

ONE LINE AT THE TIME
DON`T READ AHEAD
otherwise
YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.


1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.
2.  BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2,

WRITE DOWN ANY
2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?


3. BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7,

WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.


CAUTION:  DO NOT  LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT
4. WRITE ANYONES NAME

(like FRIENDS or FAMILY...)
next to 4, 5, & 6.


DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID
5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11

6. Finally,

MAKE A WISH


ARE YOU READY?
HERE IS THE

KEY TO THE GAME

 


1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in

SPACE 2


2. THE PERSON IN SPACE

3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE


3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in

SPACE 7


4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in

SPACE 4


5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO

KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.


6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR

LUCKY STAR


7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE

PERSON IN NUMBER 3


8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE

PERSON IN 7


9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT

YOUR MIND


10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU

FEEL ABOUT LIFE


11.  NUMBER 1 IS YOUR

LUCKY NUMBER

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Frosties

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax'. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then' He sighed......... Let's put all the Frosties back in the box.'

Saturday, 24 May 2014

Emotion Party

A bloke decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this bloke, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the bloke says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant,come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be ?" Paddy replies, "Well, I’m f**king discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

Friday, 23 May 2014

Chuck Norris

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Jeep.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets out of the way.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Chuck Norris is.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris casts no shadow. Not even a shadow is stupid enough to follow Chuck Norris around all day.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Chinese Restaurant

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Dubs On Holiday

Three couples on holiday in Spain around the hotel breakfast table: An American couple, an English couple and a couple from Dublin.

The American man says to his wife "Pass the honey,...... Honey".

The Englishman, hearing this and keeping it going, says to his wife "Pass the sugar, .......Sugar".

The man from Dublin not wanting to be outdone says to his wife, "Giz de milk, ya fat cow "

Monday, 19 May 2014

The Whys Of Man!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favourite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face & laughter in your heart. Then you are just an old sour fart.

Sunday, 18 May 2014

What Month Were You Born?

I don’t normally believe in all this crap but I’m bored!

---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------

Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.

----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. S#*iest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Ho?ny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------

Attractive personality. S#xy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

------------------APRIL BABY -------------------

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. hot but has brains.

-----------------MAY BABY -----------------

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.

------------JUNE BABY -------------

You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!

----------------JULY BABY --------------

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be with friends . Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

------------AUGUST BABY ---------------

outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a fighter.

------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

---------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------

This straight-up means you’re the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. ]